scrambledmoods

I was always scared of horror films, always. Shaken to the core. I couldn’t even handle horror radio shows at bright mid-day when the sun was shining brightly above our heads scorching all the evil away ( as we were lead to believe ) ; it lead me to be paralyzed on my bed. But there is just something about True Crime which never scares me. It does make me think, yes, about all the terrifying things humans are capable of accomplishing, but never makes my sphincters go all loose. I always scroll Netflix for a good True Crime story. Whenever I am on Youtube I feel drawn towards Bailey Sarian and her murder,mystery and makeup Mondays. I’d be casually eating chips and sipping on tea while watching and listening to these expressive stories but once I get a whiff of someone about to jump up from behind the sofa on a movie, well, it’s goodbye then. You do not have to worry about me.

But why?

Does it seem hypocritical? Maybe. Because ghosts are something intangible; under evaluation, whereas crimes are facts. But that is exactly the reason. If something paranormal ever happens around me the only thing I will be able to do is pass out. But watching the True Crime stories just make me want to be safer, if not absolutely boxed up in solitary confinement. It makes me check all directions whenever I go out. So much so that if I find a girl sleeping at the back of a car, I start to suspect her safety. So is this the benefit that comes from watching all those crime documentaries? Or is this a curse? Recently I watched a story about the Golden State Killer and how he was caught years later due to technology being advanced then, and ever since I keep my doors bolted when I sleep alone in my dorm room. It just makes me want to be careful. So many crimes involve woman, starting from murder to rape, the latter even occurring in various COVID facilities. People might be dying but the fascination of gateway-to-heaven never ceases. I wanna get into the minds of these people. I wanna get into the minds of pedophiles. I just wanna know if there was a way to know what was their exact thought at that exact moment. What makes their adrenaline rush? Is it the glistening of the weapons or is it the beads of perspiration laying heavy atop their brows? What has a considerably large portion of population (who are regularly victimized, I am not taking any sides) done to not be able to walk freely without holding a safety weapon?

I read from an article that the reason we are so attracted to True Crime is because we like “to be scared in a controlled way”. When I was younger, I had read somewhere that the reason we laugh when someone tickles us is because it is a fear response- it gives us the feeling of a spider crawling under our skin due to which we get scared and thus we laugh. I am really hoping that I am remembering it correctly. So is this the type of psychology that attracts us to True Crime? The controlled spook ,as some people say. Whatever it is, it is fun. I guess mentally unhealthy because I can just wonder the amount of paranoia it will be bringing to me regarding my kids in the future. But it is like a drug I cannot stop.

Are we heading towards safer than sorry or unsafe and sorry days?

True Crime is everywhere. Books, TV, Newspapers, Podcasts, Movie streaming sites, you name it. It is a different genre attracting a huge part of the general population. And with the way internet is becoming available to almost everyone, does this not include the future criminals? Will they not find a defect in the criminal’s work and make sure that they don’t do it when it’ll be their turn? We learn from our mentors. Our textbooks show how much a single law in chemistry had been changed over the years because people kept researching and finding holes to fill up. Crime Patrol is a very popular show and I spent countless nights keeping my eyes glued to the Television on weekends to know what happened to the sweet old woman who went missing. What intrigued me the most is that many crimes have been shown to be committed by family members. Husband being involved with his wife’s sister and making the wife watch, I mean these are supposed to have a negative effect on the mind, right? Or am I overthinking this? When we watch True Crime, we are updating ourselves on our safety protocols. But so are the criminals. They are updating themselves on their methods, aren’t they? I mean I can only imagine. So then are we actually heading towards a safer future or an unsafe one?

Anyhoo, had a lot on my mind hence wanted to jot it down somewhere. I will be getting back to Bailey Sarian now. Ok, bye.

-15.03.2022 (AMK)

This is basically what I feel like every time someone comes into my life. And no matter how much they assure me that it won’t happen, I see them breaking down because of me just a few days later. I take so many bad decisions, I think I might break down completely one day. I feel like I need to break down completely one day, because I deserve it badly. I deserve not to be loved, but to be kept aside because that is what I do to people. Don’t I?

I hurt them, blow after blow. And for what? For not being able to handle blows myself? I should just learn to be quiet and alone, and even though this feeling had been supressed all this time, they are re-emerging back only to assure me that what I think of myself is true.

I am a shadow witch and I always will be.